Second Division Prohibitions
by elvenarchress
Summary: Crack!Fic The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved fire-using younger brother is forbidden from doing…He finds a lot more to do!
1. Prohibitions

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list, Terry Prachett and all sorts of fanfics.

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…

**A/N: **I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple. In fact, it is two AM crack.

* * *

It was just another day on the Moby Dick. The sun was shinning, the waters were blue, Whitebeard was sneaking his 5th cup of sake past his nurses and an angry mob was chasing a laughing second division commander. Same old, same old.

Reaching his room, the dread pirate Firefist slammed the door shut, locked, bolted and shoved the dresser against it for good measure, chuckling under his breath all the while. Only when he'd secured himself from the masses of unfunny folk did Ace note the pile of documents sitting innocently on his bed. He went to torch it, as was the fate of all paperwork that found it way to him-he'd discovered a while back that the really important stuff was never written down- and caught sight of the note on top written in glaring red ink.

**ACE! READ THIS!**

1. I may not fall asleep on purpose if I think the meeting is boring and claim it was a narcolepsy attack.

2. I may not do so 'accidentally' either.

3. Narcolepsy is not contagious. I must stop telling people it is.

4. Nor may I threaten to 'infect them'.

5.I may not go up to other crewmembers, wink and say "mine's bigger." Even if I'm referring to my tattoo.

6. Nor may I do so especially if I'm not referring to my tattoo.

7. I may not tell Thatch that there's a spider on him just to see him flail.

8. Nor may I put the spider there in the first place.

9. I may not 'borrow' all of Thatch's combs and use them to build a bonfire.

10. Nor may I wake up early and draw an ugly mustache and beard on the bathroom mirror.

11. I may not hide baby birds in his hair.

12. I may not tie all his ascots together for a magic trick. Especially when that trick involves setting stuff on fire.

13. I may not 'sample' his products and turn my hair into a spiky helmet.

14. Nor may I try to impale people on my new do.

15. I may not use Izou's lipstick then complain that 'it's not my shade'.

16. Nor may I use it to draw on the deck like a three-year-old.

17. Nor may I cover myself with his face powder and pretend to be a ghost.

18. Actually I must stay away from all beauty products.

19. I may not tell the nurses that pop's IV has been replaced with sake. Especially if it's true.

20. The proper response to being summoned is, "you wanted to see me pop?" not "You can't prove a thing!"

21. I may not check Marco's bed for eggs. I must remember that he is male and therefore cannot lay eggs.

22. I may not tell others that the sound coming from his beak is a mating call.

23. I may not give other bird zoans, like that falcon guy in Arabasta, Marco's den den mushi number.

24. I may not dress up a pineapple and claim to have found Marco's twin brother.

25. I may not hide Marco in a pineapple plantation for fun

26. Nor may I offer Jozu as the prize.

27. I may not put a sign on the crow's nest that reads, "Marco's roosting spot".

28. I may not loudly accuse Marco of being a cannibal when we're having chicken for lunch.

29. Nor may I do so at any time regarding any type of fowl.

30. Nor may I accuse him of eating 'babies' when he has an omelet for breakfast.

31. Just because I can touch him in phoenix form does not give me the right to ride him.

32. Nor may I pluck him.

33. I may not start an argument that just because his flame is blue while mine is orange doesn't make him hotter than me.

34. Nor may I take my clothes off to prove it.

35. I may not tell Curiel that I admire his guns in a suggestive way ever again.

36. I may not play connect-the-freckles. Especially with the freckles under my clothes.

37. Nor may I ask others if they want to play.

38. I am not allowed to tell people that Vista's mustache is evil.

39. Or that it's trying to take over the world.

40. I may not threaten to wax it if it won't give up its secrets.

41. I may not put rabbits in his hat either.

42. Nor may I refer to Mihawk as his other sword.

43. I may not offer to polish Jozu.

44. I may not sell him to a jewelry store.

45. I may not ask him 'what a girl wants' on the basis that he's 'a girl's best friend'.

46. I am not allowed to stare at Jozu for hours on end because 'he's shiny'.

47. I am not allowed to scream and point at people saying that their outfits hurt my eyes. Even if it's true.

48. Nor may burn people's clothes off just because I don't like their fashion sense.

49. I am not allowed to be offended when people say I have no fashion sense. I must remember I run around half naked wearing a bright orange cowboy hat.

50. I am not allowed to set fire to important paperwork then claim to never have received them.

51. Especially if the paperwork isn't even mine.

52. I may not replace all the liquor on board with orange juice.

53. I may not paint pop's mustache yellow and call it a banana.

54. Nor may I stick a giant ball of candy onto the end of his bisento to make it look like a lollipop.

55. The phrase "liar, liar, pants on fire" is not meant to be taken literally. I must stop doing so.

56. The D in my name is a not a license to do idiotic things.

57. Nor may tell people that it stands for dashing, devious, d*ck or any other descriptive words starting with D that I think is cool.

58. Nor does it make me 'D man'.

59. I am not allowed to doodle on my crewmates' wanted posters.

60. I may not doodle on our allies' wanted posters.

61. I may not send embarrassing photographs of my crewmates to the guys who print the wanted posters.

62. Nor may I send them my crewmates' baby pictures.

63. I may not inform bounty hunters of the whereabouts of my enemies. I must take care of my own problems like a grown man.

64. I am not allowed to drown.

65. I am not allowed to start an interdivision Prank War.

66. Nor may I start a glitter war.

67. I am not permitted to throw a tantrum in a grass country during dry season.

68. I may not string up my crewmates' underwear up the flag pole.

69. Nor may steal everyone's left shoe.

70. I may not wave a red cape in front of 'Water Buffalo' Atomos yelling "Torro! Torro!"

71. I am not allowed to giggle like a girl ever again.

72. Nor may I clap my hands and squeal loudly.

73. I am not allowed to steal one of the nurses' uniforms again.

74. I am not allowed to tell people that I have a twin sister named Une and then cross dress.

75. I am not allowed to participate in strip poker. I must remember that I'm at a disadvantage.

76. I am never allowed to consume ungodly amounts of sugar again.

77. I am not allowed to chase surly crewmates around the ship claiming, "Somebody needs a hug!"

78. I may not randomly start singing Bink's Sake.

79. Nor may I do so loudly and off-key. Especially on purpose.

80. Or insist my division be my backup singers.

81. I am not allowed to poke people with my knife.

82. Nor may I do so with a flaming finger.

83. I may not put my food bills on my crewmates' tabs.

84. I am not allowed to steal Shanks' sake and blame it on pop.

85. Nor am I allowed to steal pop's sake and blame it on Shanks.

86. I may not ask philosophical question like "Why exactly are we called 'hammers' anyway?" at two in the morning.

87. Nor dump tools into the ocean the next day to test how quickly they sink.

88. I may not inform people that "I'm a stud" rather than a hammer.

89. I may not crank call other pirate ships.

90. I may not crank call my grandfather. No one wants him to visit after all.

91. I may not feed the den den mushi liquor to disguise my voice.

92. I may not attempt to get a pair of den den mushi to mate because I want a baby den den mushi for myself.

93. I may not throw marines into their own jails. Even if they are crooked bastards.

94. Nor may I 'magically appear' inside a jail just to drive the marines insane.

95. I may not collect marine uniforms.

96. I may not wander around nude off-ship.

97. Nor may I run around naked on the deck.

98. I may not go into battle in my birthday suit.

99. I may not visit marine ships bare.

100. Actually I may not go starkers anywhere except the showers and even that is questionable.

101. I may not call the marines to ask how my brother is doing then threaten to roast them alive for trying to hurt him.

102. I may not capture a large number of civilians to boast about my brother.

103. I may not run up to crewmates to boast about my brother.

104. I may not switch the topic to my brother.

105. I may not butt into other peoples' conversations to talk about my brother.

106. I may not tell crewmates that my brother would own their asses at twister on game nights.

107. I must stop informing other straw hat wearers that they can't pull it off like my brother can.

108. I must stop shoving his wanted poster into other peoples' faces.

109. I may not cuddle his wanted poster remarking on how much he's grown in a motherly voice.

110. I am expressly forbidden from speaking of my brother unless somebody else brings him up.

111. I may not attempt to see how many pieces of meat can fit into my mouth at the same time.

112. I am not allowed to frolic.

113. I may not call myself weather god just because I can make it stop snowing.

114. I may not stand around shirtless in blizzard.

115. Nor may I laugh and call others abominable snowmen when they're all bundled up.

116. I may not dance in the rain just because I won't get sick.

117. Nor may I claim that the sizzling sound the raindrops make when they hit me reminds me of bacon.

118. I may not lay siege to the kitchens.

119. Nor may I barricade myself inside them.

120. I may not lick all my food before eating for 'protection'.

121. I may not randomly burst into tears.

122. Nor may I pout and use my puppy-dog eyes to get what I want.

123. I must not claim to see the future in my soup.

124. Or that the 'green soggy bit' told me that Thatch has been hoarding chocolate.

125. I must stop talking to my food.

126. I may not scream at unnaturally high decibels when my food is too hot. I must remember that I'm fire and therefore there's no such thing as 'too hot' for me.

127. I may not nibble on my crewmates. That's what food is for.

128. I am no longer allowed to bring bizarre flaming creatures on board no matter how cool I think they are.

129. Or point out very seriously that they aren't gay.

130. Nor may I make them the division mascot.

131. Or chase my crewmates around with them.

132. Or make my crewmates baby sit them.

133. I may not give them names like "Princess", "Mr. Fuzzypants" or "Foo Foo Snuggly Poo".

134. I may not yell "Hey guys! Watch this!" ever again.

135. I may not hoard all the spoons claiming that soup is evil.

136. Just because Oars Jr. is as big as a mountain doesn't mean I should climb him.

137. Nor may I use him as a hiding spot when people are mad at me.

138. I may not lick strange objects to see if they're poisonous.

139. I may not change the story behind my arm tattoo every time that I tell it.

140. If a thought makes me giggle for over fifteen seconds, I ought to assume that I'm not allowed to do it.

141. I am not allowed to question the concept of shirts. Even if a large number of my crewmates don't wear them either.

142. Just because I was raised by a bandit doesn't mean I should employ my exceptionally large swear word vocabulary at every opportunity.

143. I may not jump down from the crow's nest onto the unsuspecting screaming "death from above!".

144. I am not allowed to threaten the marine prisoners with tea and crackers. Gramps is bad enough.

145. I may not get drunk and start a dancing competition.

146. Nor may I get drunk and start a singing competition.

147. I am no longer allowed to make suggestions while drunk.

148. I may not insert bits of gossip when making a report.

149. I may not burn holes in the walls. That's what doors are for.

150. I may not use my powers to make really weird shadow puppets on the wall.

* * *

Ace stared at the list completely horrified. Was this for real? It had all the commanders' signatures plus pop's so it had to be.

His lower lip trembled. Okay, maybe the critters he brought back were not too friendly with nonflammable individuals. He could just visit them, instead of bringing them back.

And he _was _a commander so that probably meant that he _had_ to keep his pants on.

But to ban him from speaking about Luffy? Nu-uh! No way! He looked over the sheet again noting that there were a lot of things not listed there.

Grinning evilly, Firefist got to work.

* * *

**A/N: **Izou by the way, is the geisha-like commander of the 16th division


	2. Ace's Revenge

Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Ace's Revenge

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics.

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple although this chapter was made in an attempt to give it a little plot and get it out of the list fic status which frowns upon.

* * *

With a heartfelt groan, Marco the Phoenix, First Division Commander of the infamous Whitebeard Pirates leaned forward and thumped his aching forehead onto his desk. All over the ship, members of every Division tried to go about their business without the helpful buzz of caffeine. Or their morning cup of tea. Or were going through the novel experience of actually being sober in the morning (a tragedy never to be borne again judging by how one crewmate couldn't recognize _anything _without his beer goggles). The lack of coffee, tea and alcohol were not the only problems that had mysteriously cropped up. The fact that only minutes ago Firefist had been seen laughing quietly to himself in a corner before abruptly vanishing topped that list.

The Second Division Commander had been subdued for a week after receiving the list. That, right there, should have set off alarms. This was _Ace_ they were talking about. Portgas **D** Ace. How did they not see this coming? Did they honestly expect him to capitulate? The week had been a grace period, the calm before the storm. He saw that now. And what a storm it was.

There was some mocking going around but surprisingly a lot more laughs, even by those caught up in the resulting havoc, and, of course, bets were being made all around (by their enemies as well as their allies) as to what the Mera Mera User would do next.

Inexplicably the Phoenix found himself laughing out loud. That was their beloved firestarter all right: capable of finding loopholes in any command, rule or law, with the added ability to do stupid impossible things better, faster and on a grander scale than anyone else. With a mad smile on his face, laughing like a devil all the while.

And that was how they wanted him, pranks and all.

Struck by inspiration, Marco pulled out a sheet of paper (which turned out to be the _edited_ shopping list) and a pencil stub out of his desk drawer.

_151. I may not steal everyone's right shoe…_

Oh he wasn't crazy.

_159. I may not put on a sundress and twirl around on deck singing "I Feel Pretty"…_

There was no way this would have any effect on the narcoleptic brat.

_168. I may not spike the coffee..._

At least, no more than the last one had.

_179. When some loser tells me he's 'gonna stick it where the sun doesn't shine" I may not create a sun to stick up his..._

But still, it was fun to do.

_183. Nor may I throw crates of tea overboard screaming "drown bitches, drown!"_

And made one hell of a read.

_194. I may not set my hair on fire and run screaming through a village…_

Grinning, Marco adopted a new role, as the chronicler of his little brother's antics, an exercise in futility if he ever saw one, knowing that there was no way he'd be able to catch up.

_224. No, I may not push the shiny red button._

_225.I am not allowed to "repair" things._

_226. Nor may I take stuff apart and not bother to put it back together afterwards. _

_227. I may not follow instructions backwards to "see what happens"._

_228. Nor may I throw out the instructions completely…_

FIN

* * *

A/N: This story will be tagged as complete but I'll put up appendixes whenever I can collect fifty of these prohibitions.


	3. Appendix A

Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix A

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics.

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts _**a lot**.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

151. I may not steal everyone's right shoe.

152. Nor may I steal everyone's pants.

153. Nor may I tell people that I don't steal shirts because they're evil.

154. I may not dress up in a bunny suit.

155. Doing so does not make me the Easter Bunny.

156. I may not hide eggs all over the ships for my crewmates to find.

157. Especially if I don't tell them about it first.

158. Nor may I dress up in a waitress costume.

159. I may not put on a sundress and twirl around on deck singing "_I Feel Pretty"_.

160. Nor may I run around in a speedo, my cowboy hat and nothing else.

161. I may not tell children that Blamenco is full of candy. He is not a piñata.

162. Nor may I put candy in Blamenco's devil fruit pockets in the first place.

163. I may not steal one of Oars Jr.'s teeth to put under my pillow.

164. "Sleeping problem" is not the same as "problem sleeping". I must not use the latter to get sleeping pills from the nurses.

165. Nor may I dump the pills into the communal coffee pot.

166. I may not switch the coffee to decaf.

167. Nor may I switch it to espresso.

168. I may not spike the coffee.

169. Nor may I switch it to marine coffee. That is just cruel.

170. I may not hold the milk hostage.

171. I may not 'encourage' crewmates to be more feminine. Especially when they're male.

172. I may not let my mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

173. I may not stare, deep in thought, for hours on end while occasionally giggling.

174. Nor may I do this while thinking about absolutely nothing.

175. I may not sing "Row, row, row, your boat", "99 bottles of beer", "This is the song that never ends" or "It's a small world" ever again.

176. Nor may I sing _any_ song to the end, say "Oops, I made a mistake, let me try again.", then repeat over and over _all day._

177. I may not use my powers to make really weird glass statues on the beach.

178. The desert is not my personal sculpting studio. I must remember this.

179. When some loser tells me he's 'gonna stick it where the sun doesn't shine" I may not create a sun to stick up his.

180. I may not get caught.

181. No, not even by beautiful, half-naked women.

182. When I receive bad news I must not stick my index fingers in my ears and scream, "LALALALALA! I can't hear you!"

183. Nor may I throw crates of tea overboard screaming "Drown bitches, drown!"

184. I can read. I must not pretend otherwise.

185. Just because I speak Gibberish doesn't mean I'm bilingual.

186. I should not flaunt the fact that I'm fluent in Idiot.

187. I may not paint targets all over my body.

188. Nor give the people shooting at me scores.

189. I may not whine when the nurses are pulling seastone shrapnel out of my ass.

190. Nor may I paint targets on anybody else.

191. Marco is not a giant chicken.

192. Nor is he a pigeon. He is a _phoenix_.

193. I must stop 'accidentally' leaving red clothes in the white clothes laundry basket. Not even Thatch looks good in pink.

194. I may not set my hair on fire and run screaming through a village.

195. I may not set Shanks' hair on fire to see if anyone can tell the difference.

196. I grew up near a dump. I am forbidden from giving my opinion on how things smell.

197. I may not initiate pillow fights.

198. I especially may not add something heavy to my pillow.

199. I may not befriend a spider-worshiping cult and bring Thatch to a ritual.

200. Nor may I bring home the mascot.

* * *

A/N: Balmenco is the division commander who pulled out the giant hammer out of a pocket on his neck.


	4. Appendix B

Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix B

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics.

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple.

* * *

201. I may not draw graffiti on other ships.

202. Especially in neon pink.

203. Nor may I burn it an inch deep into the wood.

204. I may not "edit" the shopping list.

205. I must never perform my jig of joy ever again.

206. Nor may I jump off the ship and kiss the sand/docks/soil whenever we make port after an extended period of time at sea.

207. I may not start a conga line.

208. Or a cancan line. I will take the secret of where I got _that_ many skirts to my grave.

209. Nor may I dance the flamenco with Vista.

210. The tango is also off limits. We still can't get rid of the scorch marks.

211. Nor may I "boogie".

212. Pole dancing is also prohibited. Especially with the mast.

213. I may not tell Marco to "shake his tail feathers".

214. When I get into a situation requiring me to wear a suit, I must not rip it off my body screaming "FREEDOM!" after it's done.

215. The tie is not trying to strangling me. I must remember this.

216. Nor may I use it to strangle other people.

217. I am not allowed to be cruel to any type of formal attire.

218. No one needs to know how often I go commando.

219. The answer may not be 'always'.

220. I may not turn my lower half into smoke or fire and wear a turban.

221. I may not go up to a strange woman and say, "Okay, I'm here. What are your other two wishes?"

222. I can't actually let her take me home.

223. Nor may I do this to a man.

224. No, I may not push the shiny red button.

225. I am not allowed to "repair" things.

226. Nor may I take stuff apart and not bother to put it back together afterwards.

227. I may not follow instructions backwards to "see what happens".

228. Nor may I throw out the instructions completely.

229. I am forbidden from going within 20 feet of the inventors' workshops.

230. I may not fidget loudly.

231. I may not throw up on people.

232. Even if they ask me what my devil fruit tasted like.

233. I may not wear my "plotting" face in public.

234. Nor may I start laughing maniacally in a corner. People don't sleep when I do.

235. My battle plan cannot be "rush in and hit things".

236. When given a mission I may not "figure things out when I get there".

237. I may not carry around a small keg of gun powder and say _"boom!"_ every few minutes.

238. Not every problem can be solved by setting something on fire.

239. Nor is the solution chocolate.

240. The answer is not 42.

241. "Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning" is the most ridiculous piece of astronavigation ever; I must stop giving it to people.

242. I may not burn doors down. Doorknobs exist for a reason.

243. Nor may I melt the doorknobs.

244. I may not hug a cactus.

245. I may not run with drawn swords.

246. I may not steal my crewmates' wallets to pay for my meals.

247. Nor may I complain that they need to carry more money.

248. Pops may call me "a child of the sea" but I may not call the ocean "mommy".

249. I may not solemnly walk up to crewmates, apologize profusely and then run away.

250. Especially when I haven't actually done anything.

* * *

A/N: Reviews are appreciated, cherished and inspirational! :)


	5. Appendix C

Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix C

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics.

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

251. I may not 'motivate' non-devil fruit users to learn how to swim by shoving them into the ocean.

252. Nor may I do so by jumping into the ocean making it necessary for them to save me.

253. My job is not to "stand around looking pretty".

254. At islands where I'm unknown, I may not tap dance across hot coals to impress the natives.

255. Or join a fire dancer contest.

256. Or set myself up as a religious icon.

257. Particularly the icon that involves devil horns, a pointy tail and a big fork.

258. I may not giggle as I'm roasted over an open flame or tied to a burning stake.

259. Or scream "QUICK! MORE BURNING OIL!"

260. When giving a report I may not ask "which version of the truth do you want?"

261. I may not start the report with "Once upon a time" or "in a land far, far away".

262. Nor may I end a report with "and they lived happily ever after."

263. Or stop halfway, say "to be continued" and then leave.

264. I may not cover myself with chocolate.

265. Nor may I ask if anybody wants to help "clean me up".

266. I may not scream loudly in the ears of crewmates who are hung-over.

267. Alcohol is flammable. I must _never_ forget this.

268. So is oil.

269. And flour dust is explosive.

270. I _must stop_ hiding in the store room.

271. I may not switch all the liquor on board with bubbly water.

272. Nor may I switch it with cough medicine.

273. Actually I'm now forbidden from handling any liquor in any way when I have no intention of consuming it myself.

274. No, I may not use that as an excuse to get really, really, _really_ drunk.

275. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

276. My name is Portgas D Ace. Or Firefist. It is not "the Hottest Man Alive".

277. I may not mummify people with bandages. The nurses need those.

278. Nor may I do so with toilet paper.

279. I may not replace the toilet paper with poison ivy leaves.

280. When passing a marine checkpoint, I must be quiet; I must not wave my hand in front of the guard's face saying "these are not the pirates you are looking for".

281. I may not allow bizarre creatures to "follow" me back.

282. My medical skills are basic at best. I may not sign myself out of the sick bay.

283. While having my entire division perform the caramelldansen is an effective distraction, it's not good for our reputation as badass pirates. I must stop doing it.

284. I may not put clown dolls in every room on the ship.

285. Nor may I move them about the room every so often to freak people out.

286. Nor may I slowly increase their numbers and say they're multiplying.

287. I may not have inflatable sheep. For any reason.

288. Or cows.

289. Mussing up my hair is not sexy. I must stop doing so.

290. I may not side with the nurses at poker. They do not need any help beating the pants off us commanders in the first place.

291. I may not join a nudist colony.

292. I may not spontaneously create a nudist colony by burning the clothes off anybody in the vicinity.

293. I may not undo the catches of the nurses' bras when I pass by them.

294. Nor may I say "Tadaa!" while doing so.

295. I may not stare in abject horror when Jimbei has fish for lunch.

296. Or any other form of seafood for that matter.

297. I may not stand in the crow's nest wearing wet copper armor during a thunderstorm and shout "All gods are bastards!"

298. I may not ask people if they've been smoking crack.

299. Nor may I ask for some.

300. I may not call another pirate an immoral, untrustworthy, lying piece of slime. Especially if I'm right.

* * *

A/N: Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff. I don't mind. :)

PS. A kind reader made a comic/fanart for numbers 33-34. Link is on my profile.


	6. Appendix D

Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix D

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics.

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates draw up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

301. Not allowed to get high on laughing shrooms.

302. Not allowed to hide laughing shrooms in the food and feed it to my crewmates.

303. "I'm high", is not a good answer. To any question.

304. Not allowed anywhere near the carpenters when they're using paints and thinners.

305. Not allowed near paint. Period.

306. I am not allowed to send anonymous love letters to other commanders.

307. Nor may I send hate mail to enemies and sign them, "with love from *_insert other commander's name here_*".

308. I may not take out weird subscriptions in their names either.

309. I may not literally "break the ice" when we're on a winter island.

310. I may not attach bells to the clothing of all my division members so I know where they are at all times.

311. I must stop dividing people into teams of "shirts" and "skins". The 'shirts' are badly outnumbered.

312. I may not laugh loudly and hysterically at everything a fellow commander says.

313. I may not act like a duck.

314. Nor may I _be _a duck.

315. I may not dump freezing buckets of water on people when I think they're overheated.

316. I must not haze the newbies. I must not haze the newbies. I must not haze the newbies.

317. The Great Clock Massacre may never be repeated.

318. Sleeping with a book under my pillow will not get the knowledge to transfer directly into my head. I must stop doing so.

319. I may not switch pop's oxygen tank with helium.

320. Nor may I switch it with sulfur hexoflouride.

321. The phrase "it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to me.

322. Oars Jr. is not going to eat me.

323. Nor am I his nightlight.

324. Or his lighter. He doesn't smoke.

325. He's not a slide either.

326. I may not challenge Teach to an eating competition.

327. I may not join any eating competition.

328. I may not jump into vats of blue dye, wear white clothes and pretend I'm a Smurf.

329. Nor may I jump in red dye and pretend to be some sort of demon.

330. Nor may I practice tie dying with everyone else's clothes.

331. I may not pile treasure in a heap for me to sleep on. I am not a dragon.

332. I may not disprove this by breathing fire.

333. I may not sail my skiff off waterfalls.

334. Nor may I launch myself into the sky using giant waterspouts.

335. I must not encourage Thatch._ EVER._

336. I may not ask for a day off based on reasons of insanity. I am a D; it's a given.

337. I may not admit to pranks committed before I joined.

338. Nor may I admit to crimes perpetrated before I was born.

339. I must stop falling off the figurehead.

340. Tying myself to the figurehead is not a permissible solution to my habit of falling off.

341. I may not list out loud, and in graphic, detail every broken law and subsequent punishment that will result from my crewmates' mission. It makes people nervous.

342. Nor may I do so during my own missions.

343. I may not hoard all the rubber bands on board.

344. Nor may I use them to make a little doll for me to cuddle.

345. Just 'cause I wear a cowboy hat doesn't make me one. I must stop jumping on Water Buffalo Atomos' back as if he was a rodeo bull.

346. I may not hogtie crewmates for fun either.

347. Nor may I carry around a red-hot branding iron.

348. I may not send pictures of people who piss me off to the guys who print the wanted posters.

349. When everyone is sweating buckets, I may not prance around in full winter gear.

350. I am not pop's sense of whimsy.

* * *

A/N: Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff. I don't mind. :)

319-320: Helium is 6 times less dense than air so breathing it will make your voice sound higher, like a chipmunk while sulfur hexoflouride is 5 times denser than air so your voice sounds deeper/lower. Kinda like Darth Vader. (try typing: "mythbusters invisible water" in youtube)


	7. Appendix E

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix E

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind.

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

Jozu, Third Division Commander of the infamous Whitebeard Pirate, known across the four Blues and the Grandline itself for his stoic demeanor under any and all circumstances took one look at the early morning madness ensuing outside his quarters (and he'd just gotten back too!), slammed shut, bolted and barred the door to his quarters and seriously considered stacking his dresser, bed and all his other belongings against it until the current Ace-capade blew over. But responsibility (and, though he would never admit it, curiosity) drove him from relative safety (relative seeing as how Ace had never really grasped the concept of safe zones/sanctity/personal space).

Wisely waiting for the lull that mean that the whirlwind known as their Second Division Commander was occupied elsewhere, the Diamond man calmly and _swiftly_ made his way to the First Division Commander's quarters. The Phoenix was generally considered the Ace-expert having taken the Mera Mera user under his wing (figuratively speaking though there was that time that Marco went through a weird nesting phase…).

The room was empty save for obvious signs of a tussle and the beginnings of a chase. Jozu turned, trying to decide if it would be worth it to hunt them down, when he spotted a familiar bunch of paper on the floor. It was The List (and yes there was fleet-wide consensus that it deserved the caps). A grin breaking across his normally stern expression, he righted the blonde's chair, sat down and read up on the shenanigans the fire starter had perpetuated; apparently he'd missed quite a few due to his trips away from the fleet.

_351. Marco is not my common sense._

_352. Nor is he my babysitter._

_353. Not even when he calls me a baby and sits on me._

_354. Nor is the little green cricket my conscience._

_355. I must stop campaigning we celebrate _"Talk like a Pirate Day"._ We _are_ pirates._

_356. They may be _"authentic piratewear_" but my normal clothes cannot be used as a pirate costume for Halloween._

_357. Nor may I steal another pirate's clothes._

_358. I'm male. I don't get "that time of the month"._

_359. I may not fall asleep in other people's food._

_360. I may not wake up suddenly claiming that _"My D sense told me stupid things were about to happen"_ and then look around expectantly._

_361. Nor may I rush to the galley for popcorn._

_362. The answer to _"what were you thinking?"_ is not _"I wasn't."

_363. I may not scrawl _"Ace was here!"_ on poneglyphs._

_364. I am not a human torch. _

_365. Any idea that prompts maniac laughter is forbidden._

_366. I must stop playing fetch with hellhounds. It's bad for their reputation._

_367. I am not a human cannonball._

_368. Setting myself on fire after being launched from a cannon does not, in fact, help._

_369. I am not a personal space heater._

_370. I may not wear a sign that says _"hug me, I'm warm and toasty" _when we're on winter islands._

_371. I may not tie myself to the mast when there's a big storm._

_372. Especially not upside down._

_373. I am not a magical princess._

_374. I am not a princess period._

_375. I am not magical either. _

_376. The proper response to a doctor's appointment is not to run away screaming _"you'll never take me alive!"

377. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away"_ does not involve throwing the fruit at them._

_378. I may not accept directions from talking cats that smile really wide and disappear._

_379. Marco is not an endangered species._

_380. I may not attempt to _"breed"_ him._

_381_. "Borrowing other people's clothes"_ actually involves giving them back._

_382_._ I may not refer to my arms as _"my guns"_ even though I can make fire bullets._

_383. I may not team up with the giant red robot to pull pranks on people._

_384. Making the vein in pop's forehead throb due to my antics is the limit not a goal._

_385. I am not a _"lesbian trapped in a man's body".

_386. I may not become female._

_387. This is not a violation of my right to be whatever I want to be and must stop claiming it to be. It is for everyone else's protection._

_388. If, for some reason or another, I do become female I may not be seen in public in anything but appropriate clothing._

_389. A string bikini top, micro shorts and my usual accessories are not _"appropriate clothing".

_390. I may not perform my _"Flame Fist"_ attack with the middle finger raised._

_391. Nor may I do the peace sign._

_392. Making a giant pillar of fire travel across a desert is not funny._

_393. After winning a bar fight, I may not pump my fist in the air and scream, _"YES, I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!"

_394. I may not play with the giant three-headed dog guarding the gates of Hell using a red rubber ball._

_395. Nor may I call him Fluffy._

_396. Equestrian sea kings are not _"fish ponies".

_397. I may not attempt to tame them. I cannot swim._

_398. Levitating food should not be consumed._

_399. Nor edibles with _"drink me"_ or _"eat me_" written on them._

400. "All's fair in love and war"_ is not an excuse._

* * *

**A/N:** Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff. I don't mind. :)


	8. Appendix F

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix F

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

It wasn't stealing.

Well, not _really_. It wasn't like it was top secret or anything just that he was _technically_ an enemy (for crying out loud, he and the old man were drinking buddies! Didn't that make them sorta friends?) They wouldn't even give him a copy and surely there'd been an update by now, the boy was so much like his brother, always doing something crazy …

"Captain."

The Yonkou known as Red Haired Shanks turned at the greeting and let out an excited yell at the sight of a bundle of papers in his first mate's possession and made grabby hands. "Gimmie!Gimmie!Gimmie!"

With a sigh that was equal parts exasperation and fondness Ben handed over the hard won prize (hard won indeed; they d*mn near had to buy out the bar before that Whitebeard Pirate's tongue had loosened up enough to tell them _who_ had a copy on him and then what it took to get the list off that guy…) and witnessed the great and powerful Emperor collapse to the deck in fits of manic laughter.

401. I may not futterwacken. Especially not vigorously.

402. Not allowed to sample what the giant blue caterpillar was smoking.

403. I may not punch the unlucky bastard sent to wake me up through the wall.

404. Can't do it through the ceiling either.

405. Not allowed to set that person on fire either.

406. Not allowed to put them on my "Hit List".

407. Not allowed to set traps for them either.

408. I am forbidden from committing any and all acts of a violent nature, preemptive, immediate or delayed, on the person/s sent to wake me. No matter how much I think he/she/it/they deserve it.

409. "Leave no ass unkicked" is also not a battle plan.

410. I may not turn in crewmates for their bounties when I'm short of cash even if I do plan on busting them out right away.

411. Not allowed to "go down" on a banana in public.

412. Not allowed consume a Popsicle down to its wood lick by lick.

413. Not allowed to add hair dye in the shampoo bottles.

414. Not allowed to add glue to the shampoo either.

415. I am forbidden from offering people some of my extra spicy chili water.

416. Not allowed to run from one side of the deck to the other over and over in an attempt to flip the ship over.

417. I may not strain, yell loudly and set myself aflame claiming to be "charging for a special move".

418. Nor may I do a Hamehameha.

419. My goal in life cannot be "to grow mustache like pops'".

420. Nor can it be "to conquer the world with flying monkeys".

421. I am not allowed to flail my arms at people and yell, "BURN!" when I have proven my point.

422. I am not allowed to stare hungrily at the den den mushi.

423. Nor may I give it a "bath" in a warm buttery sauce.

424. Nor may I contemplate cooking the mail gull. The delivery service will get suspended and that is bad.

425. I will not toss a golden apple with the words "for the strongest" written on it onto the Kuja pirate ship.

426. Nor may I watch the resulting catfight from a safe distance with snacks.

427. I may not sell tickets.

428. I will not ask a Kuja where babies come from.

429. Nor may I tell them.

430. Or offer a practical demonstration.

431. I especially may not lie and tell them that storks bring babies.

432. I am not a snake charmer.

433. Or a broiled snake seller.

434. I may not buy something simply because "it's furry".

435. I may not write my reports in glitter, blood or neon ink.

436. Especially not in all three at once.

437. My report cannot be comprised of badly drawn illustrations.

438. I may not "leave out the boring bits".

439. I may not make stuff up to make the whole thing sound more exciting.

440. Nor may I write my report on one of my subordinates claiming to be out of paper.

441. Nor may said report continue below the pants.

442. I am not a cooking fire.

443. I may not eat all the food that was destroyed when I was used as a cooking fire.

444. Jozu is not a crystal ball.

445. Just cause he said I'd get punched and I did doesn't mean he can see the future; I may not pester him for lotto numbers.

446. I cannot give him to Madame Shirley to help _her _predict the future.

447. Nor is he a disco ball. I may not string him up from the ceiling and spin him around slowly.

448. He's not a piñata either.

449. Can't shine a bright light on him either in an attempt to blind my opponents.

450. Not allowed to lick really cold metal poles.

* * *

**A/N:** So yes, Shanks is in the loop now too. :D Btw, there's no actual rule against giving him the List, it's just that Marco and a number of the others find Red Hair annoying so they make him work for it :P

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)

**PS. **People seem to like searching for my inspirations so how's about a challenge? There're seven sources in this Appendix and they're either from a movie, book or anime. Guess three correctly and I'll PM you 5 prohibitions from the next Appendix. (max. guess: 7) _Those who don't want to play, ignore this postscript please._


	9. Appendix G

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix G

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

For all that he'd survived –heck, he'd _thrived_ – in this crazy (elemental men, megalomaniac D's, giants, dragons, oh my!) messed up world, Edward Newgate was not a terribly complicated guy. He liked the simple things in life.

Relaxing on an open deck.

Getting drunk.

Being surrounded by his loving family.

Having loads of beautiful women tend to his every need.

Being lazy while everyone around him was working hard and sweating buckets.

And Whitebeard, who was not the Man Closest to One Piece for nothing, was handily doing _all five at the same time_. Truly it was good to be an Emperor! Gurararararara!

The Emperor chuckled under his breath, thoroughly amused by the sight of his sons scrambling madly about though he wasn't entirely sure what the hell they were doing. At first he'd thought it was another surprise inspection by one of his commanders (the last one had turned up a pink teddy named Berry, a marine voodoo doll and some rather frilly underpants) but that notion had been dispelled when Jozu had poked his head through a storeroom porthole and promptly got stuck.

'Seriously, what's-' Whitebeard straightened as he realized that his children were _looking _for something. No. _Someone._

Ace was nowhere to be seen.

'That child! So very much like his father.' Whitebeard snickered at the thought as he cracked open another cask and flipped the boy's Prohibition List to the recently added Appendix G. Huh. He'd reached 500 prohibitions; well _that_ answered a few questions. The Mera Mera User was gonna celebrate and anybody who knew Ace knew he partied _hard._

Making a split second decision, the Yonkou cracked open a cask of his strongest liquor and drank it down, ignoring his nurses' protests. Somehow he knew he probably didn't want to be sober for whatever insanity followed the Second Division Commander home.

451. I am not allowed to give other people tattoos.

452. Especially when we're both drunk.

453. Using markers, especially permanent ones, is also forbidden.

454. I may not send my dirty laundry to that old vice admiral biddy.

455. When visiting sky islands I may not jump off the edge of the cloud.

456. Not even if I have a parachute. There's no telling where I will end up.

457. I especially may not grab Marco just before going over.

458. When I'm sent out to recon an area, it doesn't include the digestive tract of the resident giant snake.

459. Not allowed to make a campfire in said giant snake.

460. The rules are not guidelines.

461. Davey Jones is not going to stuff me in his locker.

462. I may not wear a squid-beard.

463. I am not allowed to carry around a jar of dirt.

464. The large freckle on my butt is not the Spot. I may not show it to people.

465. It doesn't matter if it's technically not alive; I cannot keep the undead monkey.

466. I may not throw large amounts of catnip overboard for the sacred sea cats near Arabasta.

467. My subordinates may not be used as pieces for a giant chess match.

468. Or a giant checkers match.

469. I may not follow a rainbow and be seriously disappointed if there's no pot of gold at the end.

470. I may not go out in search of fairies. They are imaginary.

471. I may not bring back evidence to the contrary.

472. Kuma is not a giant teddy bear. I may not cuddle him.

473. I may not number my division members.

474. Especially if I do so mainly to be #1.

475. I may not publicly declare the world to be ending more than once.

476. It defeats the purpose of a covert mission if I sign my name on the enemy's forehead; I must stop doing so.

477. Leaving my card (Ace of Spades) doesn't help either.

478. My code name cannot be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

479. I may not introduce myself as "Matches" Malone either.

480. A simple pair of glasses is not a sufficient disguise.

481. My dagger cannot be Mr. Pointy.

482. To "light a fire under someone" means to inspire a person to act and does not actually involve flames.

483. The inspiration should not be "to jump into the nearest body of water".

484. I am not allowed out of my cabin when important people come to talk with pops.

485. I am not allowed to challenge people to "meet me on the deck at dawn" for a duel and then sleep till noon.

486. I may not show up in a full suit of armor.

487. I am too old to be trick or treating. That said, yes I must share my booty.

488. I am not possessed and must stop acting as if I was.

489. I am not allowed to become possessed.

490. I do not need an exorcism.

491. I am not authorized to perform exorcisms.

492. "Don't you dare!", "Don't even think about it!", "That's impossible!" and "There's no such thing!" are** not** challenges.

493. "You're crazy/mad/insane!" is not a compliment and I must not bow and thank the speaker profusely.

494. Just because pop's mustache is an upturned crescent doesn't mean he's smiling.

495. I may not attempt to make it a frowny face using curlers and other hair stuff.

496. My mission in life is not to check all things for flammability.

497. Nor may I ask "Is this flammable?" while holding a lighted ANYTHING at the ready.

498. I may not burn all the things I found flammable to "protect other people from them".

499. Screaming "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" when running into a room full of explosives is forbidden.

500. So is saying "Oops".

* * *

A/N: Whitebeard this time! He's such a good daddy. :D and he knows his boys well.

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)


	10. Appendix H

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix H

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

He's an old man now. This, he freely admits, is not that impressive. However, he's an old _pirate_ and that's something to brag about. Something about the profession involving a lot of sharp pointy objects, cannons, freaky abilities and many, many teeth not really making things easy for most people (to be fair, most pirates never thought of the future beyond when the next adventure would be so it all worked out) but he's not most people –_obviously_- and he'd very much like to enjoy his retirement in peace.

But, while Reverse Mountain is only the starting point of the Grand Line it's still part of the ocean current and sometimes weird just gets blown his way.

Now, as a true veteran pirate, Crocus had seen just about everything. Heck, he'd sailed with Gol D Rogers for heaven's sake! After that ride, there really isn't much that surprises him anymore.

_This _however is new.

Not the giant scarred black whale splashing around. That's just his old friend Laboon. The huge whale-shaped ship that had somehow appeared in the bay overnight _was_. There was _cuddling_happening here. Very enthusiastic cuddling. And nuzzling. And snuggling. Oh, the snuggling.

(There was also the heart-shaped smoke that was puffing off the flaming half-naked cowboy-pirate perched on the figurehead twirling an oversized hammer but he figured he could deal with that after the magically-appearing cuddle ship.)

"Oh god, _why?" _

Crocus turned (somehow managing to still keep an eye on the crazy – truth be told, it wasn't that hard) and spotted two men halfway up the path to his lighthouse. Blenheim was immediately recognizable from the hair and the shoulder tats (and from being in rival pirate crews twenty years ago) but the small brunette took the petal-haired man a few seconds before he placed it: Haruta the 12th Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates.

When they'd reached his side the 9th Division Commander merely smiled, bemused, while the younger man swore fluently into his palms before straightening purposefully. Haruta twirled his index finger at his nakama in the way that either meant "turn around", "make like a ballerina" or if he'd tilt his hand ninety degrees decreed "complete mental impairment".

Quite frankly the last one would probably have fit the situation better.

In the lighthouse keeper's experience large, incredibly buff men did not take well to twirl-y gestures but Blenheim just snorted and presented Haruta with his back. The slighter man pulled a thick folder out of his pack, flipped it to the last page, braced it on the 9th Division Commander's shoulder and held a pen up.

Haruta turned to Crocus with a tired (so very, _very_ tired… edging to manic even) smile. "Sooooo, what's Ace been up to?"

* * *

501. I will not extinguish and die if someone throws water on me.

502. Nor may I slowly collapse wailing "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

503. I may not beg someone "won't you please be my prisoner? Please, please, please!"

504. Bobsledding does not actually require somebody named "Bob" to be present.

505. I must stop changing people's names to "Bob" or "Robert".

506. I am not allowed to rename _anyone anything _without first figuring out the person's gender.

507. I am not allowed to name anything without explicit permission.

508. When I punish someone I cannot make them wear the Cone of Shame.

509. Not allowed to shove candy into people's mouths and tell them to "taste the f*cking rainbow".

510. I am not a witch. I may not dance naked on a hilltop at full moon.

511. If I do end up doing so, I must not forget to check for thistles, rocks and hedgehogs.

512. Nor am I a wizard. I may not carry a giant stick around.

513. Not allowed to tell people that the staff is a metaphor.

514. Not allowed to rename the valley from "Gorge of Death" to "Big Smelly Crack".

515. We cannot have a Code Peaches.

516. No, not even if the situation is round, sweet and fuzzy.

517. I am not the water's prey.

518. There's no such thing as a 9-ton possum.

519. I cannot win an argument by whacking someone on the nose and yelling "bad juju!"

520. I cannot legally marry a pineapple.

521. I may not marry _any_ fruit, legally or not.

522. Not allowed to throw a fit if somebody eats my 'fruit wife'.

523. The correct way to file for divorce from a fruit isn't by consuming one's spouse.

524. There is in fact, **NO** correct way to divorce a fruit.

525. When I want milk I should go to the store. I may not try to milk a cow.

526. Should I ever be in a position to milk something, I must not do so without first checking its gender.

527. I may not clutch my buttocks as if I'm afraid they'll fall off.

528. Not allowed to grab other people's bums for similar reasons either.

529. Mihawk is not cheating on Vista with Shanks.

530. Shanks is not cheating on Vista with Mihawk.

531. They are not a threesome. I must stop implying such nonsense.

532. Shanks is a rival. I should not throw a party every time when he visits.

533. There is no Annual Four Emperors' Meeting. The marines are paranoid enough as it is without me helping.

534. I may not start a Famous Pirate/Marine Signature Collection.

535. I may not barge onto enemy ships demanding signatures.

536. I may not do this to high ranking marines either.

537. I may not pick pockets solely "to stay in shape".

538. "Just because" is no reason either.

539. When I catch children trying to pick my pockets, I may not offer lessons.

540. I especially may not use crewmates as teaching aids/targets.

541. We are a fleet not a pod. I must stop calling crewmates pod people.

542. I may not borrow Blamenco's hammer for any reason.

543. Even if it isn't Blamenco's, I still may not carry a giant hammer around.

544. 'Whack-a-mouse' is not an acceptable means of pest control.

545. Just because someone is called "a rat" doesn't mean I can chase that person around waving the giant hammer I'm not allowed to have.

546. The giant hammer does not make me Thor, God of Lightning.

547. I may not leave the fleet without telling somebody where I'm going.

548. I may not take one of the Moby Dicks over to Reverse Mountain so that Laboon has somebody to cuddle with.

549. I may not water Crocus. He is not a flower.

550. Nor may I feed him fertilizer.

* * *

A/N: Possibly the longest intro part I've written (and the reason for the delay really). In case people forgot, Crocus is the petal-haired old lighthouse keeper at Reverse Mountain. I brought in Haruta and Blenheim as I haven't written anything about them previously

…please, nobody ask how Ace got there without Crocus noticing or where he stashed the crew. When I ask, he just giggles at me and now I'm scared to know.

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)


	11. Appendix I

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix I

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

He just wanted a new hat.

That was it. Just a nice new hat to protect his head from the sun and rain. (And not to cover up the bald spot his sisters said he had. His sisters were lying liars who _lied_.)

The whole trip into town should have taken only a couple of hours –three tops- even if he did stop at the bakery (For scones! And not just to see the pretty girl at the counter.)

That the weird guy in front of him in the line was wearing nothing but a banana hammock and boots under his black coat was probably a bad sign.

He probably should have known it was all going to hell when said guy turned to him and introduced himself as "Captain Banana Hammock" with a wicked gleam in his eye.

He should have run when the guy's head burst into flames and started throwing waffles at the marines who'd just entered the bakery, screaming "BEGONE EVIL CREATURES!"

Ten minutes later, the store was in shambles, most of the (sane) customers had hightailed it elsewhere (the conveniently large hole in the wall had probably helped) and the marines, after being beaten with an assortment of baked goods and had a muffin stuffed in their mouths, were piled in a corner.

When 'Captain Banana Hammock' bear hugged him and spun him around, he realized he was clutching a broken baguette in his hands. (When the hell did that happen?)

As he whimpered into his palms after dropping his impromptu weapon, the flame-haired banana, hammock-wearing stranger (who apparently also went by Match Boy) patted him on the back and gave him a cookie.

551. I may not shave people with fire.

552. I must stop asking people with big swords if they're overcompensating for something.

553. I may not go on a trip, take loads of bad pictures and upon arriving home, force my entire division to sit down and listen to the story behind each and every one of them.

554. I must stop claiming to have a fever to get out of a mission. Everyone knows I use my powers to mess with the thermometer.

555. I am forbidden from playing with, handling, experimenting with, or encourage others to do so, any and all possible explosive and or incendiary compounds, elements, liquids or devices unless directly ordered to do so by pops.

556. Not allowed to express myself in farts.

557. Not allowed to have a meat suit.

558. Not allowed to roll around in some farmer's spice garden to give the suit some flavor.

559. Not allowed to slowly roast and eat said suit of meat.

560. Not allowed to hold teddy bears hostage.

561. Nor am I allowed to threaten to cut up security blankets.

562. I may not leave myself in other people's beds.

563. I may not be naked when I end up in someone else's bed.

564. Nor may I request bedtime stories.

565. "I'm cold," is not a reason for me to sneak into someone else's bed. It doesn't even make any sense.

566. "I want snuggles," is not a good excuse either.

567. I especially may not do this when they've drunk way too much and won't remember last night _at all._

568. The first words out of my mouth upon waking may not be "was it good for you too?"

569. Nor can it be "did *_* leave already?"

570. When I am searched, I may not turn it into a strip tease.

571. I may not provide music when I am strip searched.

572. I may not subject random strangers to strip searches.

573. I may not grope people inappropriately while searching them even with their clothes on.

574. I may not go around asking how to "appropriately" grope somebody.

575. I may not demonstrate proper groping techniques on whoever is passing by.

576. I may not become a vegetarian on the basis that I really, really hate plants.

577. Nor can I tell people to eat them before they eat us with a paranoid look.

578. Not allowed to drizzle salad dressing on vegetable gardens.

579. My beads do not grant me mystical powers.

580. Nor were they dyed in the blood of my enemies.

581. I may not refer to my hat as "My Precious" in a creepy manner.

582. Not allowed to have riddle contests in the dark with weird strangers.

583. Not allowed to be eaten.

584. Not allowed to make out with a horse.

585. "A commander is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to," is not a valid excuse for being late.

586. I may not dance around saying, "Fire! Fire! There's a fire in my pants!"

587. I cannot literally have a fire in my pants either.

588. There is no party in my pants either.

589. Nor may I carry gooey things in them either.

590. The pants are not optional!

591. Not allowed to come up with a "tickle attack".

592. Not allowed to use said "tickle attack" on crewmates under the guise of "friendly fire".

593. I am not Captain Banana Hammock.

594. Not allowed to run around dressed in a banana hammock to back my claim up.

595. Setting my head ablaze is not a good way to convey that I've just gotten a good idea.

596. I am not Match Boy.

597. Not allowed to ward off evil with waffles.

598. Nor may I use Kuja Fighting Muffins.

599. I am not allowed to use any form of baked good as a weapon for good or for evil.

600. My recruitment slogan cannot be "Join the Whitebeard Pirates, we have cookies!"

* * *

A/N: …I have invented an innocent civilian just to drag into this….I should be shot. :P though, he does get used/resigned to the crazy of his new commander (it helps that the girl from the bakery also joined up. The lure for her was that she would get to do some actual baking (and not just manning the counter) for a very appreciative group and have the right to shoot people who complained about her soufflé).

PS. I'm so, so sorry this took so long. I had the list on my phone (so I could add prohibitions as soon as I thought one up) but something went wrong and all its memory got erased. Had to start over. On the bright side, I got to use many of the suggestions left by my lovely reviewers. Thanks again guys!

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)


	12. Appendix J

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix J

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

There were tears. There were lamentations. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth.

It was a scene straight out of some religion's idea of the Final Days. Men and women alike wept in the streets, wringing their hands and crying out against the injustice of it all…

Thinking quickly, Marco grabbed a very familiar, very thick binder and flipped straight to the most recent entry:

"_650. Under no circumstance am I allowed to take a vow of celibacy." _

The First Division commander was suddenly seized by the urge to join the howling multitudes albeit for very different reasons.

601. I may not sing "great balls of fire" while grinding my crotch in somebody's face.

602. I may not sing said song and then offer everyone some roasted nuts.

603. I may not let people roast chestnuts on my chest.

604. Not allowed to toss short bearded people around.

605. Not allowed to follow said short bearded people around, singing "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho"

606. Not allowed rush at people screaming and axe them at the knee.

607. I may not blow my nose on the shirts of random people.

608. I especially cannot do it while they're still wearing them.

609. Not allowed to use _anybody_ as a handkerchief.

610. Not allowed to start a debate on how to appropriately cook people.

611. Not allowed to make a giant blanket fort in the middle of the galley using all the linens on board.

612. Not allowed to defend said blanket fort with pillows stolen from my crewmates' beds.

613. Not allowed to discipline people by smacking them with a rolled up newspaper.

614. Shock Therapy is also prohibited.

615. Hedonism is not a religion and I am not its chaplain.

616. Not allowed to found new religions.

617. The voices in my head are not allowed to countermand my orders.

618. Nor can my magic 8 ball.

619. Not allowed to glomp some fuzzy creature screaming, "It's so fluffy I'm going to die!"

620. Not allowed to shave said fuzzy creature.

621. Not allowed to refer to my division members as my minions.

622. Not allowed to make them dress up as giant yellow pills in blue overalls.

623. Not allowed to force them to learn, and exclusively speak, a strange jabbering language that no one else understands.

624. The minions I'm not allowed to have may not glow in the dark.

625. I am not allowed to carry magnets. There are many, _many_ sharp pointy metallic things on board.

626. I may not talk pops into creating really big waves with his powers for me to surf on.

627. Not allowed to set Fossa's sword on fire whenever I feel like it.

628. I may not point out to Thatch that octopi are like big wet spiders.

629. Especially just before we have calamari for lunch.

630. Doing so at any point before or after the meal is also not allowed.

631. I cannot make the 'tentacle-testicle' joke ever again.

632. I am not allowed to play with heavy machinery. Especially not after taking cough medicine.

633. Not allowed to walk into a room, give _one_ person a lap dance then leave. It causes riots.

634. I am expressly forbidden from giving people lap dances.

635. Not allowed to name my freckles and expect my division to remember them all.

636. Not allowed to randomly change the names of my freckles.

647. I may not exchange my crewmates' pistols for water guns.

638. Not allowed to fill said water guns with slime.

639. We do not "consume the flesh of our fallen foes to gain their strength".

640. Nor do we "harvest their souls". I must stop spreading such idiocy.

641. I may not throw a fit wherever PDA is prohibited. It does not even refer to me.

642. I am not a comet. I may not 'streak' through the sky.

643. Nor may I do so literally.

644. Nor am I a shooting star. People cannot wish on me.

645. I am not allergic to paperwork.

646. I cannot write my reports on poison ivy leaves to argue my point.

647. When ordering supplies, "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit" or "whatever you feel like giving me" are not numbers.

648. Sexual favors are not a valid form of payment.

649. Nor are chits that say "IOU: hugs and kisses!"

650. Under no circumstance am I allowed to take a vow of celibacy.

* * *

A/N: …raise your hand if you were one of the crying multitudes. XP

It has become a Whitebeard Pirate SOP to check if anything Ace has done recently (or not so recently) can explain the insanity they find themselves in, rather than investigating. Sadly, it's a rather effective time-saving system…Poor Marco XD clean up is generally his problem.

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff; I don't mind. :)


	13. Appendix K

**Title:** Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix K

**Disclaimer:** I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

**Rating:** PG 13+

**Summary:** The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace _reacts_. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

**A/N:** I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

* * *

***THWACK***

…

***THUD***

The 11th Division Commander stared at the poor wannabe thief he'd just clobbered with a disturbingly thick folder stuffed with sheets of paper for a moment before turning to his fellow commander. (Said colleague was busy trying to stuff an entire sucker in his mouth… He succeeded.)

Hefting The List, Kingdew said in a droll tone, "I take it back; your shenanigans are good for something."

* * *

651. I may not take naps in coffins no matter how comfy they look.

652. Nor may I do so 'cause I find people's reactions to my 'rising from the dead' act funny.

653. I may not sharpen my teeth to points.

654. Not allowed to have a set of pointy prosthetic teeth either.

655. I may not produce a lot of smoke when struck with holy water or sunlight.

656. I may not cringe theatrically when accosted with blessed artifacts.

657. I am not allergic to garlic.

658. I may not eat copious amounts of garlic and breathe on someone.

659. Not allowed to make out with a dog no matter how friendly it is.

660. Not allowed to make out with _any_ animal.

661. I may not drive vehicles I don't actually know how to operate.

662. I may not "learn while doing". Especially in a populated area.

663. Nor may I use unfamiliar weaponry.

664. Particularly if said weapon can talk.

665. Not allowed to put up posters asking for the whereabouts of my dignity.

666. Nor can I put up posters looking for my sanity.

667. I may not start an Interdivision Slip and Slide Competition.

668. Not allowed to get drunk off mouthwash.

669. Not allergic to shampoo.

670. I'm not allergic to toothpaste either. Hygiene is important.

671. Neither am I allergic to physical labor.

672. I may not put garishly-colored nail polish on the nails of my crewmates while they're asleep.

673. Not allowed to braid my crewmates's hair, especially if I braid more than two people's hair together.

674. There will never be another Interdivision Slumber Party.

675. Getting Stephen a new chew toy is not a Priority 1 mission.

676. When asked to 'cover up' I should put on a shirt' not a straightjacket.

677. I may not give a public demo on how to get into and out of a straightjacket by oneself. People already think weirdly of me.

678. I may not wear straightjackets in place of shirts no matter how well they fit me.

679. "No," is a horrible answer to the question "Do you know what you're doing?!"

680. Supernova - BAD.

681. IV's and oxygen are not to be referred to as "Hangover Helpers".

682. I may not speculate loudly if _that's _why pops wears them all the time.

683. Nor may I borrow them for personal use.

684. Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth is not an excuse for whatever I did.

685. No, not even if I was dropped down a flight of stairs.

686. Saying that I was raised in part by Vice Admiral Garp will explain a large part of my behavior but not excuse it.

687. My underwear cannot be edible.

688. Nor may I use it as an emergency snack.

689. I may not offer other people a taste.

690. No part of my clothing ensemble may be edible.

691. "I made a duckie!" should not be my response when asked what happened at the meeting.

692. I may not name it Donald. Or Daisy if it's a girl.

693. Nor may it some tiny little ducklings and name them Huey, Dewy or Louie.

694. I may not have access to glow in the dark paint for any reason.

695. Not allowed to have latex body paint either.

696. When I lose my train of thought, I may not suddenly look in another direction and yell, "Squirrel!"

697. Not allowed to dash off to chase said squirrel. Especially if it doesn't exist.

698. I may not hide under other people's beds because I love them.

699. I do not need to be taken out for walkies.

700. Nor should I expect a treat if I do something particularly well.

* * *

A/N:

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)


	14. To My Readers

My Dear Readers/Fans of Ace's shenanigans,

I'd like to start off by saying how much I love the lot of you, especially those who leave reviews and/or fave this fic.

It tickles me pink that there are even some who enjoy what I've written so much that they incorporate it into their own work, translate it into other languages or are even inspired to draw pics or write their own fics. These people are wonderful and they understand the concept of giving credit where it's due, of citing their sources. To those people, more power to you.

What I can't accept however is others copying my work and then try to take credit for it, ie. plagiarism. Yes, Second Division Prohibitions has been plagiarized under the title Restrictions on the Commander by someone using the pen name Spade12 on the website (lunaescence).com (minus the parenthesis). With the exception of an OC named Scarlet Maya- she belongs to Spade12- Restrictions is nearly a word for word copy of Second Division.

I am not asking anyone to flame Spade12 or the website's admin staff. I'v already logged a complaint with them and I trust that they will deal with it. I just want everyone to know the reason why this fic will no longer be updated. I will think about starting up again when Second Division's doppelganger is gone.

[UPDATE 7/1/2013: Restrictions on the Commander has been taken down. My thanks to the admin of Lunaescence and to everyone who sent their support via review/PM. With regards to updating this fic, I want everyone to know that I do wish to continue...I just don't know how long it will take. I've been rereading the older One Piece chapters; maybe my muse will be inspired...]

Thank you everyone,

elvenarchress

PS. If anyone else has seen instances of plagiarism occurring please don't hesitate to speak up about it, whether to the original author or the website admin or even the author him/herself (they might have legitimately forgotten)

PPS. I know chapters that are purely author's notes are not allowed and I shall delete this page should anyone complain about it but I had to get this message out.


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